What's the Purpose?

Very often the thought occurs to me that each human being must have been put here on this earth with a specific purpose. In which case I wonder what purpose may be served from my existence on this earth. I look around and see that I have what most people would desire. A job which makes me at least financially independent, a good husband, a lovely daughter and some good friends. I can do many things I want to do quite often. And still I can't help feeling that somehow God has been perhaps a little half-hearted in His gifts to me.

Take for instance the job I do. It brings in the cash for the daily bread and butter, but I feel a sense of dissatisfaction that my potential as a teacher and an academic lies underutilised. I could do much more I feel but don't have the faintest as to how I would go about doing it. Which brings me back to the question of purpose. When I started out on my academic journey I seemed to be going in the right direction. I turned my love for reading into a genuine appreciation for literature. I studied English Literature with fervour and at one point of time I was in a position to develop my own theories about certain aspects of literature.

But then fate struck a blow and the course of my life changed. So I question, what was the purpose of my developing the kind of interest in my subject of study, because for the next seven years I practically had nothing to do with literature.

For these intervening years, before I became a college lecturer I tried my hand at journalism, and business journalism at that. Nothing to do with literature, but for the scope to use my expertise in the English language. I learnt a few new tricks no doubt.

Then fate cracked its next joke. I applied rather belatedly for a college job, and got it. But the place I was sent to needed an entirely different approach to the teaching of English Literature. I was doomed to teach the nuances of the finest in English Literature to groups and batches of students for whom the language itself was a major conundrum. The students in fact took up the course in the first place with the mistaken belief that they would be taught spoken and written English! And a bit of Shakespeare on the side on lighter days! I have been rendered speechless at Destiny's sense of humour. I am finding it rather difficult these days to retain my own sense of humour. So I say what was the purpose of the moment I stepped into the whitewashed corridors of Loreto College to study English Literature. For this? Then there is perhaps a larger purpose that I do not yet see.

Another aspect of my life which leaves much to be desired is relationships. I was born into a large family. I grew up with an elder sister and two elder brothers, but at the moment I am not quite sure if I can count siblings so easily on my fingers, such are the lapses in our understanding of each other. My sister is very much in touch, keeping herself abreast of developments in my life. I cannot say the same for my brothers.

I consider myself singularly unfortunate in matters of relationships. The family I was born into has never been one I can fall back upon. In fact relationships have soured to such an extent that last week I was reluctant to pick up the phone and call up my brother’s home to wish my nephew on his birthday. This is the first time since the child was born that I have not gone across or called up the child to wish him on his birthday. I feel awful, but I do not have the courage to show my sincerity where it is not likely to be appreciated.

This has been the case in all my relations through marriage too. No matter how I have conducted myself, I have not been able to convince my husband’s relatives of my good intentions. But there is worse. The most corrosive aspect of my marriage has been the relationship I have with my ma-in-law. It is essentially one of mistrust. She has looked upon me as an interloper, interrupter or some such thing. She perhaps feels that I have destroyed her dear boy’s sensibilities. She will never appreciate that her dear boy’s sensibilities are what attracted me to him in the first place and that is exactly what I would like to see preserved. She has never said as much but her actions and attitudes have spoken louder than words. In her case too, I did try to convince that my intentions are pure enough, but I realize I have failed miserably.

So now I have stopped trying. I suppose it is not a very comfortable situation for my husband, but the good man is bearing up well under it. God bless him! The sad part is he thinks he alone has taken the brunt of the situation and I have simply been willful. Though he has tried to show understanding, he has not quite seen steadily and seen whole. So the whole question of purpose crops up again. God gives, but how!!

Relationships are important to me. But I find I cannot handle them. So why give gift me a craving for relationships? I know many people who could not care less. I could have been like that.

A third and very important aspect where I find God particularly half-hearted is the matter of domestic help. Since a large portion of the day I am out of the house, I cannot run the household without help. So at any given point of time I have at least three people working as domestic help to carry out all the chores that I could have handled if I were a homemaker only. But somehow they are never the most suitable people. They are either very lazy, the kind who cut corners or absolute nitwits. My patience is unduly tried. What could be the purpose of handing me an existence which bothers me with its mediocrity and mundane nature? Perhaps God has put me on this earth to learn just one lesson, the lesson of patience! AMEN!