Almost two years ago I wrote a blog. Since then there has been one significant difference in my life. My mom is no more. My guilt remains like a festering sore that I did nothing to make her last days less lonely, less neglected. She died on April 1st, 2016. Early in the morning. Quietly perhaps. Because no one was there near her to witness her last moments.
The previous day I had been to see her. She was refusing food and even water. I went and sat by her. I tried to make her drink at least a spoonful of water. Her eyes were shut tight and yet somehow she was able to see my extended hand with the spoon and pushed my hand away. The strength in that push surprised me. As did the fact that she could see my hand going toward her face with eyes shut. I was stupid. Her soul was watching our stupidity.
How could I not realise that? She was way beyond her physical existence at that moment, her soul gradually stepping away. She was just waiting for God's outstretched hand.

I lost my father 27 years ago. I remember feeling completely blank. No fear. No sorrow. No self pity. It must be some form of denial because now I do realise that I never got over that death. Everytime I am faced with some crisis I dream of him. I wake up and try to interpret the dream looking for some hidden message from the beyond where he is now maybe.
I have lost my mother too though she is not dead. She still inhales and exhales in an existence which should not be the lot of any human being. Death is more dignified. Somehow I feel responsible for the situation. It can't be that I can not do anything about it. Everytime I visit her I come back with a sense of guilt. It cannot be alright to accept this indignity and neglect meted out to a person. Relationships apart she is above all a human being just like all of us.
Can we deny her the minimum respect and leave her totally in the hands of caregivers who are but caregivers only in name?
Why should this have happened to a person who cared for her family with all her heart? Why didn't her caring and nurturing breed care and concern in other hearts? Why are my hands tied though I wish and wish that I could rescue her from this ignominy? Sometimes I pray for her actual death and release from this terrible existence. Don't know if that's the right thing to do. But seeing that I am already a sinner I might as well ask for expiation. Her death would be my release from the burden of my guilt. I hope God and my father are listening.

Vacationing at home

A recent illness has prevented me from going to work and I am actually welcoming this break. I feel no urge to get back to work. What does this mean? Maybe all this means is we all need to break out of routine once in a while. I am not talking about vacations. Going on a vacation involves a certain amount of rush and fret...bags to pack, trains or flights to catch, checking in and checking out of hotels, trying to see as much of the place that one is vacationing at. A true break from routine is a break of daily routine in the everyday familiar place called home. When one does as one likes, not bothering about daily responsibilities, sleeping as one likes, eating when hungry, bathing when one wants to, reading books, painting pictures...taking no pressure at all. Something like vacationing at home, without the attendant packing and travelling.

Complexities

I am so exhausted, I have the ability to neither feel joy nor sorrow. Just a kind of bitterness spreads through my being. Certain recent happenings at the workplace got me a good deal upset. The faces of some colleagues filled me with disgust before it all lapsed into indifference. When I make a mistake, I cannot forgive myself. I cannot rest till I have set it all right. When you are dealing with a responsibility you have one perspective of it. No one else is supposed to understand how you are feeling about it. But cannot people refrain from commenting on the situation? Cannot educated people be expected to not add to other's troubles if they can do nothing to lessen them? That is the lack in most people. They never can empathize. They can only judge and feel superior. Some sort of complex I guess. Anyway, I hope I have seen the last of this present problem and hope it is resolved. But  it is a very unsettling thing to know that one must work with people who will never be able to see beyond their own selves and conveniences.

Too bad

When I started this blog I thought I would be frequently sitting at the PC creating new and newer posts. Such is the irony, I have ended up facing my debilitated imagination. This aridity of the mind is most unsettling.

Break free

Positive thinking and gratitude for all that one has received in life. These are the two things that according to Rhonda Byrne can change our lives for the better. I have always said thank you for things received. Maybe not listing them as Byrne suggests. But positive thinking has not been possible always. Doubts creep in unbidden pushing me towards negativity. But a conscious effort toward positivism could be made. Now is the time. Life has come a long way. Too long have I lived with the pain of broken illusions. Now is the time to break free.

Oh! To be able to read!

Its been a long time since I blogged. Most of the time the mind is empty of thoughts. Only a fresh list of things to do hovers in the mind, day and night. Like an automaton I go through the waking hours of my life. Sleep is like a drifting into an unconscious state. This can't carry on.

Though there's been one important development. For the first time, after maybe two-three years, I have actually read a book to its end. The Immortals of Meluha. I liked the book, with its mix of myth and allegory. I intend to read the next one too, the one about the Nagas.

Why I consider this as an important development is that in recent times I seemed to have lost the concentration required to read a book. In fact, in the last 12-13 years, I may have read only a handful of books, whereas earlier I could finish a book in seven days and move on to the next one soon after. I would buy books unendingly. Reading was once my all-consuming passion. Then, in the last 16 years the mundane realities of daily existence so engrossed my mind that I forgot what it was to relax. Such was my state that if I was sitting idle, an alarm would go off in my mind telling me that perhaps I had forgotten to do something. I am not much better off now. Even as I am writing this, my thoughts have abandoned me.