Forgetfulness over forgiveness

Mere domesticity never attracted me. So married life was never for me. But I did crave the closeness of someone who would love and cherish me. The person who showed me this love was unfailingly conventional. So I had little choice but to step into the traditional contract of marriage. With that came its baggage of relations-in-law. And that is all they have remained - relations “in-law”. No emotion goes into the fulfilling of these commitments. I do my duty towards them unfailingly. My sense of duty and responsibility has no doubt raised my status in my husband’s eyes, but have I really got what I wanted from marriage?
Relations by blood have been equally bad. Rather I have no relationship with those who are supposed to be related to me by blood. They are peeved with me because since my father’s death I stood by my mother, without thinking whether she was right or wrong. I just felt that she was my mother and if she was uncomfortable with something I just had to see things her way. In any case my brothers had their life partners and did not have to feel as lonely as my widowed mother did. They had someone’s shoulder to cry on. So I thought I would extend my shoulder for ma to cry on. When I needed a shoulder to cry on, I was quite simply misunderstood. So I thought why bother to turn to people who were anyway too busy setting up things in their lives.
Then my husband came along into my life. I thought I had found someone on whose shoulders I could cry. Years down the line I realized he too needed a shoulder to cry on because his parents thought the worst of him for choosing me. So once again I lent my shoulder. Now I had two different people crying on either shoulder. Then my daughter came along and started to grow up and she also needed a shoulder. God gives us all only two shoulders but never tells us how many people we should accommodate at one time. God never tells us who are the most deserving candidates for a weeping berth on our shoulders. So I just opened my whole being out to my child. Anything for you, my little baby I said. Hence I am her favourite punching bag, milch cow or whatever. Now what?
The other day my mother’s elder son turned up at our place after a longish gap to see how she was being provided for. I realized through his various comments and reactions that he too needed a shoulder to cry on. And I thought I had left him safe and sound with the partner of his choice!!! Of course he didn’t mince words when he told me that I was the villain of the family who had gone and screwed up all the relationships. I do not know how I had stopped him from setting it all right again. I must be villainous in my basic approach to my family by birth. They all hate me. And frankly, I too have no particular liking for them any more. I do not feel even the sympathy I would feel for a dog. I no longer feel a part of the family that my father and mother created.
But I feel less lonely now. I am alone, brought on to this earth through the will of God, no matter which human agency was involved. I stand alone in all that I think and do. Neither past nor future should matter. A fixed destiny has been granted to me. I came to take up some responsibilities and perform some duties. The rest should not matter.
I believe God is with me in any place that He leads me to. He will stand by me. I meant no one to any harm. I meant just to be less trouble to the people around me. If someone thinks of me in a poor light it is his problem. I would like to forgive and forget. God, give me strength.