This is it

This is it. The end of the line. I want to start afresh, break all links with the past. Just be myself. Dolly Ghosh, mother to Jigeesha, wife of Jaydip Ghosh, and lecturer in English in an institution located in the back of beyond. No past. No family I was born into. I would like to think I just appeared on earth one fine day and started to function and grow. Like some wild seed, accidentally in fertile soil, nurtured by sun and rain and flowered into what I am today.

Cutting links with the past seems to be the most important thing in my life now. Today is supposed to be my birthday and I like to think of it as just another day in my life. The wishes of friends and others seem unwarranted. Do we ever wish a flower happy birthday or an ant, or a tree or a tiger? They too live as I do.

No disregard here to the little teddy bear birthday cake my husband and daughter bought and presented me with because I was upset and disturbed about certain recent incidents. It was the nicest gesture and touched me deep. Made me feel needed and loved. But gestures of love can be made as "un-birthday" (Lewis Carrol, of course) gestures too. Its the caring that matters. Family is a matter of caring. I always believed that. It was somewhare along the line that the family I was born into stopped caring for me. They wanted caring too but what I did was obviously insufficient. But no one ever asked me if what I got was sufficient. Accusations and counter accusations have followed. Confrontations have led to conflicts. Did I do anything wrong? I must have. But I can't wipe the past out. To my immature sensibilities then what I did seemed just the thing to do. No one stopped or explained to me. Now they expect me to understand and take all the blame. I do not feel in a frame of mind to take all the blame. So I would like to break away from it all. And just save and nuture my identity as wife and mother. God are you on my side? Wish me luck.